Trials and Tribulations

Mr. Gnome and I have had our bouts with the difficulties of life over the past few weeks. Everything from work woes to getting stranded after believing we just had a wonderful evening... it has been trying.

We have been saving money so we can buy a home, rather than rent the one we are in now. We would love nothing more than a nice, victorian-esque or old stone farmhouse on a little plot of land to call our own. (My love of creating doesn't end with fabric - I love gardening and planting and all kinds of get-down-and-dirty-outside hobbies). I also have this desire for a goat. And an alpaca. And a llama. And a horse. Ok maybe that's going too far for now but you can see my point. I aspire to have more than a small home with a tiny backyard which only has room for one flat of flowers and a couple of tomato plants. I want to try my hand at corn and pumpkins. I want to have the opportunity to have a goat, even if I don't believe my life will truly ever be ready for it. I just want something to call my own. (and, universe, a fireplace would be great. kthx.)

We also have similar cars, but different years and styles. We have since found that as soon as something goes wrong with one of our cars, the other will break within 6 months. We've had flat tires, broken windshields, a broken sunroof, several windows that will not go (or stay) up (some of these are still not fixed), an ignition in need of replacement and that's not the last of it. Yes, all, this has been within the past 6 or so months. We would love to just get different cars but a car payment is one of the last things we need right now... and with our cars needing so much work, we couldn't get a different car as an even trade. And the last time one of the cars broke down, we just got done meeting our realtor for the first time and were feeling super good even though we found out our dream home has gone from "available" to "pending"... til we got out to the parking lot and my car wouldn't start. I'm not a person that is super spiritual or into all the happenings of the universe, but I know a sign when I see one. And I believe that's a sign. Of what, I'm not sure... or maybe it's a test... to see how much I can handle... to keep me grounded and my head out of the clouds (clouds? you're unclear of what I mean? please see paragraph above this one. llamas? yeah there you go.)

I have been having some medical issues as well; issues which I will not delve into for the whole world to see, but just know they have not been minor scrapes and bruises. And an internal organ which I have not-so-lovingly named "Vlad."

These issues, along with several more I am not yet ready to share with the world, have been making me feel quite overwhelmed and in need of a mental vacation. As much as I try to be a nice, easygoing person, I am at heart a wound-up worrywort of the largest proportions. I also like to make lists and have plans and these issues.... well they have thrown lots of cogs in my wheels and almost stopped them from moving altogether. It seems there have been issues for me every few days and sometimes I simply can not handle all of these things at once.

A delving into the mind in search of catharsis...

I don't know what I'm doing.

I really don't.

There's so much I want to say and do but have no idea where to begin or how to get all my thoughts out.
I think I need a therapist. And a personal shopper.

1. I hate my wardrobe.
I hate almost all the clothes in my closet. I have quite a hard time finding clothes that fit me. The petite section usually only goes down to 6, which is too big. The Junior's section is.. well... clothes for teenagers -- which I am most definitely not, anymore. Many of the clothes I like are not stylish or they do not fit me. I want to look classy, yet not too dressy. However, I have neither the stylish prowess nor the budget to afford me this getup, so I am relegated to the disgusting cheapie-filled closet that is my own. I want to look like I care about my appearance, I put time and effort into myself just enough that shows I respect myself while not being completely self absorbed. I need help in order to do this.

I had a mini-meltdown on the mr today. We wanted to do something nice for ourselves – since we almost never splurge. We went to The Olive Garden and attempted to dress semi-nicely. I tried on a range of clothes in my closet which were either too small, had holes in them or did not match anything else I had on (I will not start on the shoes, which are even HARDER to find in my size). He tried to help but ended up getting frustrated, then angry with me because of my insignificant woes.

I’ve been having these feelings for a while but I do not know how to deal with them. Without the means to properly remedy this situation, what is the best way to go about accepting what I have and making the best of it?

2. I want to go back to school to get my master’s degree.
But I have no money.

I have to study for the GRE’s. I know this. I studied a teensy bit tonight, then took the practice exam – on which I scored a whopping 32%. Oh lawdy, someone help this crazy lady. I do not have the mind I used to have. I have been out of college over 4 years so I am not nearly as sharp as I was then. Even then, I hadn’t had a math course since my sophomore year. It’s astounding how quickly this knowledge leaves you.

This brings me to the next question: Why, dear lord WHY do I need to know some of this information? Does it behoove me to know the antonym of the word “donnybrook” which was defined as “an obscure word for an uproar…”

IF IT’S OBSCURE, THEN WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW IT?
Why, also, do I need to know how to calculate the speed of a train? I’m a psychology major. I know less about the air speed velocity of a swallow than I do about the chemical makeup of bile.

Can someone please explain this to me?

I’m also waiting for people to give me my reviews and I need to write my “professional goals letter” which I have been actively procrastinating.

I will write more on my personal struggles at a later date. Hopefully.
This has been mildly cathartic. I may need to save the healing process happiness for another particularly rough day.