Bridges

I really wish I didn't burn some of the bridges that are now a pile of ash.

I miss some of those people dearly.


It's one of those days....

House-Hunting!

A slightly less-than-perky "howdy!' to all of you. Why not cheerful? Mr. Gnome and I went a-house hunting this weekend. On one of my morning online searches, I found a property not previously found in my search. It didn't have many pictures posted but it did state it is on almost 4 acres, has some pasture land, lots of goodie-oodie-oodies (such as an already built chicken coop) and some outbuildings that need fixing up. The price is only a little higher than we would like to spend. The kicker is that it is bank owned; meaning we have to buy it 100% as is. With our measly savings and FHA funding, the chances of us even being able to make an offer on this beauty come close to zilch. When we saw it yesterday, we were the only people on the property and it seemed awesome. Today we went with our real estate agent and there were a few other couples looking at it, too. (Major Bummer!) The interior needed a little work - but nothing that would deter us from purchasing the property. The agent, however, didn't seem quite as ecstatic as us for financing reasons. Here are just a few pictures of the home I can't have

Basement Entrance

Basement Fireplace

Living room - So much light!

Dining Room

Kitchen

One outside view of pasture

Shed - turned - coop

This house really seems perfect for us. We'd like a fixer-upper to give it *our* touch. We also have this apparently odd land requirement -- that we actually WANT it. Our agent keeps trying to push us onto smaller and smaller plots of land. I can't do it. I simply can not. I'm frustrated with FHA financing, I'm frustrated with our selection options, I'm frustrated with... all of it. just all of it.

Why is it so much to ask for? I don't want a mega-millions house with a heated granite floor and elaborate windows. I just want a nice home on a few acres to have some animals and gardens... and enough space to do my crafts. Why is that so hard??

*sigh*

I'm frustrated.

The past few days

The past few days have been up and down for me.

I've been trying very hard to get my life in order. The brain mimics what is surrounding it and I'm surrounded by what I feel is chaos. If someone came into my home they would feel it is a fairly clean place with only one room slightly messy (excluding the basement). And for the most part, I do feel this is accurate. I try to keep my home very clean (to the dismay of my mr. gnome) and pick up after myself as best as I can. However, I do have my little hot-mess-piles which drive me insane. I know lurking behind door number three, there is a room full of disarray and ill-organized belongings. Problem is, I just don't have the funds for proper organization and I have a tendency to get overwhelmed and just stop doing a project. Like the computer room... I attempted to organize all of my papers yesterday but stopped halfway through. There is now a pile of papers sitting at my feet at the computer... why? Because I'm too overwhelmed with the thought of organizing them that they will sit there and continue to make my mind swirl just looking at them.

Someone... anyone... help?

Otherwise, things keep on keepin on. Mr. Gnome is at work, currently, trying to buffer our bank accounts by doing a few hours of overtime at his job. I would, too, except for the fact that my job doesn't offer overtime. I have been seriously considering getting a second job but then I wonder... who will keep my house clean? who will cook for Mr. Gnome?

I am proud of myself for doing something over the past weekend. Our neighbors two doors down can be quite short tempered. They have about 5 cars to one home and we have street parking. We Gnomes try to be considerate of where people park but Mr. Gnome particularly has been frustrated by these neighbors. On friday evening, one of them came to my door screaming about where Mr. Gnome has parked his car (not even in front of their house). Incredibly long story short, I kept my cool and did not yell back at this woman. I simply stated I would prefer she take a few deep breaths and calm down before she continue speaking to me... she didn't but I continued keeping my cool. Then, when she walked away, I went over to their house and asked to speak with everyone who drives in the home. I stated that we are all neighbors and can't we all just get along? Can't we just all be considerate where we park instead of being passive-aggressive and leaving just enough room so that the other can't park? I've never parked in front of their house and don't plan on it and I would appreciate some consideration from them as well. I was out there shoveling all morning, just as one of the members of their house was (... not the one that was screaming... she sat on her butt all day while someone else shoveled her spot). ANYWAY. There was a lot more said than that and I'm sure to read it, it doesn't make much sense but the reason for the story is this:
Usually, I'm non-confrontational and lose my cool quickly. My face will turn red and I will stammer and stutter or scream. This time, I stood my ground, spoke calmly and politely and ended the conversation on an upbeat, happy note. I am proud of myself for not allowing someone to push me around and at the same time, not being a total bitch.
That said, it took me about half an hour or more to calm down after I got back to my house. I was shaking and anxious and felt like I was going to have a panic attack!

Anyway. Do something for you today. Anything. Just something for you.

<3

In Keeping The Promises I Made Myself

Notice: This is a repost from Crimson Phoenix Designs. I felt it not only belonged in my professional blog but also my personal one.

Out of the past three days, I have had the majority of two to myself. I used this time to try to renew my spirit as I have been quite high-strung and stressed lately. I got a lot accomplished but I can't help but think about all the things I did not yet get done. I'm going to try to make it my mission to focus on what was done, what was accomplished and what was good rather than the opposite.

This is my homage to happycat

It's not like I didn't get a lot done today while Mr. Gnome was out snowboarding with his big brother. In fact, I made myself a "feel good" list and on it is about 20 accomplishments for the day - including making a big pot of hamburger soup, scrubbing out my sink and renaming many of the files I had to recover on Friday when I had learned that my hard drive died while trying to completely reload my laptop (which was accomplished yesterday - bam!). Another of today's distractions was that of a fuzzy nature... happycat was SO attached today that each time I turned around - whoosh - there she was. Doing laundry, making dinner, scrubbing the sink, blow drying my hair, even (yikes) getting into the shower.

Tomorrow I get a girls' night. We work out and make dinner and all is right with the world. It really is true what they say: when you are in a stable, loving relationship your waistline tends to increase. Or maybe it's just the winter. Or my love of all things starchy, carb-filled and sweet. That and Mr Gnome eats all day. I kid you not. He eats seconds or thirds, and within a couple hours he's back to being hungry. I only wish I could eat like him... oh the feasts I would consume!

So, in keeping the promises I made myself, I am going to treat myself to a little mini-self-manicure while waiting for MrG to get home from his frosty trip.

Trials and Tribulations

Mr. Gnome and I have had our bouts with the difficulties of life over the past few weeks. Everything from work woes to getting stranded after believing we just had a wonderful evening... it has been trying.

We have been saving money so we can buy a home, rather than rent the one we are in now. We would love nothing more than a nice, victorian-esque or old stone farmhouse on a little plot of land to call our own. (My love of creating doesn't end with fabric - I love gardening and planting and all kinds of get-down-and-dirty-outside hobbies). I also have this desire for a goat. And an alpaca. And a llama. And a horse. Ok maybe that's going too far for now but you can see my point. I aspire to have more than a small home with a tiny backyard which only has room for one flat of flowers and a couple of tomato plants. I want to try my hand at corn and pumpkins. I want to have the opportunity to have a goat, even if I don't believe my life will truly ever be ready for it. I just want something to call my own. (and, universe, a fireplace would be great. kthx.)

We also have similar cars, but different years and styles. We have since found that as soon as something goes wrong with one of our cars, the other will break within 6 months. We've had flat tires, broken windshields, a broken sunroof, several windows that will not go (or stay) up (some of these are still not fixed), an ignition in need of replacement and that's not the last of it. Yes, all, this has been within the past 6 or so months. We would love to just get different cars but a car payment is one of the last things we need right now... and with our cars needing so much work, we couldn't get a different car as an even trade. And the last time one of the cars broke down, we just got done meeting our realtor for the first time and were feeling super good even though we found out our dream home has gone from "available" to "pending"... til we got out to the parking lot and my car wouldn't start. I'm not a person that is super spiritual or into all the happenings of the universe, but I know a sign when I see one. And I believe that's a sign. Of what, I'm not sure... or maybe it's a test... to see how much I can handle... to keep me grounded and my head out of the clouds (clouds? you're unclear of what I mean? please see paragraph above this one. llamas? yeah there you go.)

I have been having some medical issues as well; issues which I will not delve into for the whole world to see, but just know they have not been minor scrapes and bruises. And an internal organ which I have not-so-lovingly named "Vlad."

These issues, along with several more I am not yet ready to share with the world, have been making me feel quite overwhelmed and in need of a mental vacation. As much as I try to be a nice, easygoing person, I am at heart a wound-up worrywort of the largest proportions. I also like to make lists and have plans and these issues.... well they have thrown lots of cogs in my wheels and almost stopped them from moving altogether. It seems there have been issues for me every few days and sometimes I simply can not handle all of these things at once.

Catharsis, volume two

It has been a very long time since I've posted anything on this blog. It's not like anyone reads it except for me.

I don't have very much to write in here. I have been a mess lately.

Serenity... save me.

A delving into the mind in search of catharsis...

I don't know what I'm doing.

I really don't.

There's so much I want to say and do but have no idea where to begin or how to get all my thoughts out.
I think I need a therapist. And a personal shopper.

1. I hate my wardrobe.
I hate almost all the clothes in my closet. I have quite a hard time finding clothes that fit me. The petite section usually only goes down to 6, which is too big. The Junior's section is.. well... clothes for teenagers -- which I am most definitely not, anymore. Many of the clothes I like are not stylish or they do not fit me. I want to look classy, yet not too dressy. However, I have neither the stylish prowess nor the budget to afford me this getup, so I am relegated to the disgusting cheapie-filled closet that is my own. I want to look like I care about my appearance, I put time and effort into myself just enough that shows I respect myself while not being completely self absorbed. I need help in order to do this.

I had a mini-meltdown on the mr today. We wanted to do something nice for ourselves – since we almost never splurge. We went to The Olive Garden and attempted to dress semi-nicely. I tried on a range of clothes in my closet which were either too small, had holes in them or did not match anything else I had on (I will not start on the shoes, which are even HARDER to find in my size). He tried to help but ended up getting frustrated, then angry with me because of my insignificant woes.

I’ve been having these feelings for a while but I do not know how to deal with them. Without the means to properly remedy this situation, what is the best way to go about accepting what I have and making the best of it?

2. I want to go back to school to get my master’s degree.
But I have no money.

I have to study for the GRE’s. I know this. I studied a teensy bit tonight, then took the practice exam – on which I scored a whopping 32%. Oh lawdy, someone help this crazy lady. I do not have the mind I used to have. I have been out of college over 4 years so I am not nearly as sharp as I was then. Even then, I hadn’t had a math course since my sophomore year. It’s astounding how quickly this knowledge leaves you.

This brings me to the next question: Why, dear lord WHY do I need to know some of this information? Does it behoove me to know the antonym of the word “donnybrook” which was defined as “an obscure word for an uproar…”

IF IT’S OBSCURE, THEN WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW IT?
Why, also, do I need to know how to calculate the speed of a train? I’m a psychology major. I know less about the air speed velocity of a swallow than I do about the chemical makeup of bile.

Can someone please explain this to me?

I’m also waiting for people to give me my reviews and I need to write my “professional goals letter” which I have been actively procrastinating.

I will write more on my personal struggles at a later date. Hopefully.
This has been mildly cathartic. I may need to save the healing process happiness for another particularly rough day.